Hey you,
Welcome or welcome back to Screenspire: your homey, digital space for down-to-earth digital wellness strategies.
Since May is Mental Health Month, Screenspire is spending the entire month tackling an issue that lies at the heart of the most pressing mental health challenges we face as digital consumers: social comparison.
Social comparison is so pervasive, automatic, and disruptive that we thought it would be better to use all of our blog posts for the month of May covering a new aspect of social comparison, instead of writing a post about a new mental health topic each week. We believe that diving deep into the coverage of social comparison — something that affects all of us — will yield the greatest sustained digital wellbeing changes for you 🙂
After reading this post, you’ll understand:
Why it is so easy for us to compare ourselves to others (especially in our teens and 20-somethings) — and why you shouldn’t beat yourself up if you do.
Why the types of social comparisons we make make all the difference
4 research-backed strategies to transform the way you process others’ stories and successes, so that you can get inspired by them instead of getting weighed down
A bonus weekly habit that will help you to get in touch with your values and create a life in which social comparison has no power.
Many of us get excited about the idea of using our finite lives to do and experience incredible things — making an impact that creates global ripples of change, traveling to countries that fascinate us, learning new skills, and simply learning how to find and enjoy the small moments in life. I feel encouraged to see that so many of us are pursuing holistic definitions of fulfillment, and cultivating the habits that will get us there. But there is one stubborn, goal-compromising, and energy-draining habit that we have all struggled with at one point or another: comparing ourselves to others.
Social Comparison, Explained
Humans are social creatures. This doesn’t mean that all of us are gregarious beings who are hungry for conversation. Instead, it means that we do some of our earliest and most impactful learning by observing other people.
Social learning (the process of learning by interacting with or watching others) is the learning process that is responsible for our first steps, our first words, our understanding of fashion, our sense of humour, and more. Researchers suggest that one form of social learning that we use across the lifespan is social comparison. Social Comparison Theory explains how we use social comparison to learn.
Social Learning: Learning that occurs when we engage in social interactions with other individuals. Examples of social learning include:
Learning through imitation: where the learner imitates the behaviours of the teacher
Learning through observation: where the learner learns by observing the behaviours of the teacher
According to Social Comparison Theory, we evaluate our abilities, beliefs, experiences, and attitudes by comparing them with those of individuals who are in our social environments. Our social environments can be physical (like a classroom, a sports team, or our household) or digital (like our social media feeds). Within these social environments, we tend to compare ourselves to the individuals we perceive to be most similar to us; we look for individuals whose experiences, identities, and other traits closely reflect our own, and use them as our mirrors as we assess different aspects of our lives.
Centuries before social comparison was the subject of popular psychological studies, it was a process that helped us to pick up on social cues and established traditions so that we could understand the best ways to interact with the individuals in our communities, and function as members of cohesive and harmonious social groups.
Researchers who study social comparison generally believe that we can make comparisons in one of two directions:
- Upward comparisons are made when we compare ourselves to individuals who we perceive to be better off than us in a given domain.
- Downward comparisons are made when we compare ourselves to individuals who we perceive to be worse off than us in a given domain.
Something I want to clarify is that all of us make social comparisons, but some of us have a greater tendency to use social comparison as our primary way of understanding the world. The environments we spend time in, the feedback we receive from others, and the early lessons we receive about our worth influence the extent to which we use social comparisons to evaluate our lives and learn from others.
For example, if we spend grades 1 to 8 attending a competitive elementary school in which students are routinely compared to each other, we may gradually start to employ social comparison as a way of understanding who we are, assessing how well we’re performing, and imagining what our futures hold. Overtime, if these social comparisons are repeatedly made and reinforced by teachers and other students, we may find ourselves automatically engaging in social comparison even when we’re not at school. The environments in which we spend most of our time shape the methods we use to understand ourselves and others. Early environments are particularly impactful, because we occupy them when our brains are still experiencing critical, rudimentary growth and our belief systems are still being constructed.
Is Social Comparison Bad?
Over the last decade or so, in an effort to understand how social media and other forms of digital media influence our lives and wellbeing, researchers have investigated numerous pathways through which our use of digital media impacts our mental health. One of the key findings uncovered by multiple studies over the years has been that our engagement in social comparison is correlated with specific wellbeing outcomes.
Specifically, when it comes to mental health:
A 2021 study by Anushree Tandon, Ph.D. and colleagues suggests that when we experience FOMO (the fear of missing out), we tend to spend more time checking our friends’ profiles to see what they’re up to. As we engage in this process, we’re consuming TONS of information within short period of time and often — without even being aware of it — comparing ourselves to others. The result of these intense social comparisons is that we experience social media fatigue (negative emotions and mental exhaustion associated with spending so much time online and taking in such massive volumes of information).
A 2023 study by doctoral candidate Fernanda Andrade and her colleagues found that users of social media who regularly engage in social comparison may be more likely to experience lower self-esteem, depressive symptoms, and feelings of social isolation when they use social media.
A 2023 study by Dr. Andrea Irmer and Dr. Florian Schmiedek found that individuals who engaged in more frequent social media use were more likely to develop the belief that others were happier, more popular, more attractive, or living “better lives” than they were, which led to reduced well-being for these heavy social media users.
A 2015 study by Dr. Erin Vogel and colleagues found that individuals who score high in the tendency to compare themselves to others developed poorer perceptions of themselves and lower self-esteem after seeing their acquaintances’ Facebook accounts.
Research has also revealed that not all forms of social comparison are equal. Some forms of social comparison have a significant, detrimental effect on our well-being while others can lead to inspiration, purpose, and an increased drive to pursue our goals. The research is super interesting but not very accessible. Here’s a summary:
Comparing our Opinions Yields more Healthful Outcomes than Comparing our Abilities
A 2018 study by Dr. Chia-chen Yang and colleagues found that when individuals compare their abilities to others’ abilities, they experience rumination (a process that involves engaging in excessive, repetitive thinking about something to the point where it interferes with other activities) and distress (a general negative stress response) Conversely, when we compare our opinions to others’ opinions, we engage in self-reflection (which the APA Dictionary defines as the “examination, contemplation, and analysis of one’s thoughts, feelings, and actions”), which can inspire us to make positive changes in our lives and become more aware of our thoughts, decisions, and actions
Here’s how the researchers explain this finding: when we compare our abilities or skills to others’ abilities or skills, we are assessing ourselves and others in a way that is judgemental and competitive. We put ourselves into a position where we are hyper-focused on determining who is “better” or “worse,” and we start to believe that another individual’s abilities is a valid measure of our own value or worth. When we think in this intensely competitive way, we see the object of our comparison as an opponent instead of an ally. Our egos get bruised, and we get defensive and super electric with angst.
Conversely, when we compare our opinions to others’ opinions, we’re engaging in a form of social comparison that is motivated by curiosity and a genuine desire to understand another individual’s experiences and perspectives. When we engage in comparisons of opinions, we are more likely to get inspired by others because we see them as individuals we can learn from (e.g, role models, friends, and mentors). We feel intensely curious instead of competitive, and this opens the door for genuine learning and emotional stability to take place.
Making Upward Comparisons is Generally Correlated with Increased Feelings of Distress
As mentioned above, researchers generally agree that upward comparison and downward comparison are the two primary forms of comparison we engage in when we encounter a comparison target.
As a reminder:
Upward comparison: when we compare ourselves to individuals we perceive to be “better” than us in a given domain (e.g, higher grades, more beautiful, more popular)
Downward comparison: when we compare ourselves to individuals we perceive to be “worse off” than us in a given domain
The general consensus among researchers is that making upward social comparisons makes it easier for us to experience feelings of envy and inadequacy that lead us to feel worse about ourselves, and that people who make more frequent upward comparisons tend to experience fewer positive feelings (like joy, satisfaction with their lives).
Focusing on the what we share with others is correlated with less stress than Contrasting ourselves with others
A 2022 study conducted by Zhiying Yue, Ph.D. and her colleagues suggests that our minds engage in one of two processes when we compare ourselves to others.
We may engage in identification, which is where we identify similarities between ourselves and the individuals we’re comparing ourselves to. Or, we may engage in contrast, which is where we focus on the areas of dissimilarity between ourselves and the individuals we’re comparing ourselves to.
The study by Yue and colleagues (2022) found that when we make upward comparisons (so, comparing ourselves to individuals whom we perceive to be “better” than us in a certain domain) AND engage in contrast-centered thinking, we experience stronger feelings of distress. However, when we make upward comparisons AND engage in identification-centered thinking, we may be more likely to get inspired by their achievements and rise to meet our own.
This study is one of the only scholarly papers that covers the effects of identification and contrast in the context of social comparisons. I’m very excited to see how this line of research evolves and becomes populated over the next few years.
In short, as the research summarized above shows, the types of comparisons we make matter.
How to Get Inspired by Others' Stories Online instead of Feeling Threatened
So I hope that this article so far has normalized the experience of social comparison, especially in the context of social media use. All of us make social comparisons; we’re biologically wired to do so because we learn from observing each other, and social comparisons are one of many forms of social learning.
But, as we’ve seen, the types of social comparisons we make influence whether we interpret someone’s success story as a threat to our egos or fuel for inspiring our own future achievements. Here are some practical, research-backed strategies that you can use, stating today, to feel nothing but inspired when you feel when you read about others’ experiences. I’ve used so many of these strategies, and they’ve helped me to spend more time living in the light and experiencing the fullness of community-building, even when I’m spending a lot of time on social media.
1: Establish positive intentions for using social media before you log on.
I recently saw a post in which a young person was complaining about the lack of available third places in their community for youth and young adults to spend leisure time in. I’ve noticed this too. Some researchers and commentators believe that the shrinking availability of third places is encouraging us to spend more time online instead of in physical settings with others.
Third Place: a term coined by the urban sociologist Ray Oldenburg to describe spaces in which individuals can engage in informal social interactions, outside of the home and school / work. Oldenburg advocates that the presence of third places is crucial for the maintenance of a community’s democracy and vitality.
Unfortunately, we’re not using social media to connect with others in the same way we’d do in third places; we’re not consistently leveraging social media to deepen our connections with others. I think most of us have had moments in which we open up our social media apps and start scrolling, without solidifying what we hope to gain from our time on the app. Ths passive use of social media can make it easier for us to encounter content that encourages social comparison, and engage in upward, contrast-focused comparisons without challenging them.
To avoid this, researchers suggest taking a pause before logging on, and establishing positive intentions for being on social media. For example, since many young people feel triggered to engage in social comparisons when they experience feelings of FOMO, researchers suggest planning to use your time on social media to connect with specific friends instead of scrolling through your feed. You might also choose to spend your time on social media finding content that makes you laugh, makes you feel hopeful, or makes you feel informed about topics you care about.
2. Practice Social Savouring
Social Savouring: An empathy-driven process in which we focus on feeling happy and joyful for others when they have positive experiences. When we engage in social savouring, we train our minds to engage in less negative thinking about ourselves so that we can cultivate feelings of joy, motivation, and social connectedness. Engaging in social savouring is one strategy that we can use to become inspired by the achievements of others instead of engaging in negative social comparisons that lead to envy and resentment.
I love social savouring. I think it’s such a powerful practice.
If you repeatedly, consciously shift your mental focus to feelings of genuine joy and gratitude for others’ achievements whenever you feel the first tinglings of harmful social comparisons coming on, you’ll become powerful enough to break the corrosive hold that social comparison has on your life. When we savour something –— be it an experience, a song, or a food — we give ourselves time to settle mindfully into the full moment of enjoying it. When we engage in social saviouring, we are allowing ourselves to slowly allow our empathy for a celebrating person to overwhelm and eventually eclipse any traces of envy or insecurities we may be feeling.
A 2023 study by doctoral candidate Fernanda Andrade and her colleagues found that participants who were taught and prompted to practice social savouring reported higher self-esteem while using social media, than participants who were not.
Here is a step-by-step guide that you can use to practice social savouring whenever you encounter social media content that makes you feel inclined to harshly judge yourself or others.
3. Approach Others with Curiosity instead of Fear.
When we approach others with curiosity and a desire to learn from them, instead of viewing them as opponents to compete with, we calm our nerves and create opportunities for us to cultivate meaningful social connections. Since we have a tendency to compare ourselves to individuals who are most similar to us, I truly believe that if we veered away from making harsh judgements of our comparison targets, we would find incredible relationships with individuals who share our values, interests, and experiences waiting on the other side.
So (and this may be challenging the first few times you do it), when you feel the first subtle itch of social comparison entering your mind after you view someone’s profile or read about their accomplishments on LinkedIn, I advise you to:
Stop viewing their story from the perspective of a competitor (i.e, trying to see how you measure up) and begin to look at their story as if you were a few years younger than them and in the position of their mentee, their younger sibling, or a student in a class they’re teaching.
Generate a list of five questions you’d ask the person if you had the chance. I recommend generating questions that really lean into your curiosity and appreciation for their achievements (e.g, “What did you learn through accomplishing [whatever they accomplished]?” “How did you go from being a student at [name of institution] to being [whatever role they’re occupying]?” “What was the most challenging part of working to achieve [their achievement]”)
And then, if you’re feeling up to it, ask them! Politely introduce yourself in an introductory comment or message on LinkedIn or other social media platforms, and briefly mention that you’d love to learn more about their journey. Then, if they accept your Connection request (on LinkedIn) or your messaging request, ask them some of the questions you wrote down. You may even schedule a short informational interview to learn more about their journey.
I almost guarantee that by the time you finish this process, whether you stop at step 1 or step 3, you’ll have extinguished any flames of envy that were threatening to overthrow you, you’ll have a greater sense of appreciation and curiosity for the person you’ve seen on social media, and you may even have a new friend or mentor.
4: Consider stepping away from environments in your life that reinforce competition.
There are so many spaces in our lives that encourage us (either explicitly or implicitly) to compete with others. While some of these spaces are hard to avoid, there are many that we can choose to divest from. This week, I encourage you to do an audit of the different activities and spaces you’re involved in. Here are some things to reflect on for each activity (e.g, extra-curriculars), environment (e.g, classroom, roommate situation, household), or opportunity (e.g, internship, lab) in your life:
How does the activity / environment / opportunity make you feel before, during, and after you participate in it (mentally, physically, spiritually)?
What is the general mindset or attitude that is supported there? For example, do most of the members of your after school club endorse a zero-sum mindset about things? Or do they support an abundance mindset?
Does participating in the activity / environment / opportunity allow you to grow in a way that aligns with your values?
Do you feel that the activity / environment / opportunity reinforces competition or community building most? Why do you feel that way?
What are the benefits of engaging in the activity / environment / opportunity? What are the costs?
If you discover that an activity / environment / opportunity in your life is creating an intense amount of competition-fueled stress or hostility in your life, and not giving you opportunities to grow in harmony with others, you may want to consider replacing that activity / environment / opportunity with one that supports harmony, and veers away from harmful social comparisons.
BONUS 5: At least once a week, plan an activity that unquestioningly lights you up, and makes you feel that you’re in alignment with your genuine, untainted sense of joy.
A close mentor of mine gave me this advice, and since implementing it, I’ve revived my zest for life and feel closer to my reason for being. Think about something you’ve always wanted to do; it doesn’t have to be something that requires a major investment of time and money. It could be visiting a new part of the city, trying out a new hobby, or starting a new creative project.
When we’re kids, many of us have a clear, untainted understanding of the things we love to do. We don’t care if they’re unpopular, if they take a long time to do, if they won’t make others proud of us, if we’ll get tired doing them, or if they’ll require us to do them alone. As we get older, we experience the developmentally appropriate shift of becoming more aware of social norms, and of making commitments to ourselves and to others that we must keep. As our time becomes filled with obligations, planning, recovering from burnout, and taking in the opinions of thousands of voices in the world through media, our genuine desires and sparks become buried. But the sparks — even if changed a little — are still there.
Take time to uncover the experiences in life that light you up and make you feel happy and grateful to be alive. It may take some effortful thinking and reconnecting with our intuitions and organic emotions to remember these. Consider taking an evening to think back to times in your life when you felt most excited to wake up, when you felt proudest of yourself, when you felt most grateful for the life and body you live in, when you felt most hopeful about the future. Then think about the common themes that these moments share…these commonalities will reveal your sparks, and provide you with clues about the activities and experiences that you should be investing your time and energy on.
Throughout my childhood, I was in love with the city of Toronto. I loved just being downtown, and being in spaces where I could freely walk and explore the different parts of the city, especially in the warmer months. It made my heart erupt with joy to be in the center of it all. For some reason, I had a particular affinity for the stretch of city near the lake.
Seeing the sunlight sparkle on the water fills me with energy.
As I navigated the stresses of graduate school over the last two years, I spent some of my evenings thinking back to the times in my life when I felt most joyful and uninhibited, and I realized that the city never let me down. I even took a summer job at the CN Tower in undergrad because I love the city so much.
So last year, I decided to spend at least one day each week taking a walk in the downtown core. The night before my walk, I would go on Google Maps to find interesting routes to take through the city (surprise, surprise, most of these routes led to or near the lake). Then, after I had finished whatever needed to be done at lab or in class the next day, I would pack up my bag, change into my running shoes, and head out for a stroll. To date, some of my favourite memories from the year happened during my strolls. That’s when I discovered new favourite spots to think, met new people, and took some of my favourite pictures. I loved my weekly strolls so much that I now go out for multiple strolls per week (my goal for this month — which I so far have been able to achieve — is to spend 4 out of 5 days each week strolling or jogging in the city).
My reason for including this last tip is that I have discovered that the more time you spend immersed in activities that align with your spark, the less concerned you’ll be about how you measure up to others. And the closer you may get to uncovering your reason for being.
I hope that this post inspired you to re-evaluate the role that comparison plays in your life, and to make some health-promoting shifts in thinking and behaviour so that you can live with peace and purpose while navigating the digital world.
I spoke about rediscovering our sparks, so please tell me about your spark 🙂 What is your spark? What lights you up without fail, and is something you could do all day?